Now that I’m back in Southampton, the place I referred to as my so called “dream world” in a previous post, you’d think I’d be jumping for joy. And I thought I would be too. I’d been looking forward to this moment for weeks, pretty much since the start of Easter break. But the day before I came back, the idea of coming back upset me in a way, and kind of scared me. I really didn’t want to come back.
I didn’t want to come back because I was scared of change; I was scared that things had changed in my life here. Over the course of Easter break, certain events had taken place which had put ideas into my head, making me paranoid about changes that could take place. But I came back, confident that things will be just the way they were. But now that I am back, I realise that it’s not so much a change, but more like something’s missing here. Things seem the same but a piece of it seems to have disappeared.
I know not accepting change is a bad thing, and sort of cowardly – and as hypocritical as it is, I rarely used think highly of people who couldn’t accept to change in the past. But now that I’m in their shoes, I can see why they wouldn’t want to.
When something seems so perfect – or near perfect – that it makes you feel happy and content with your life, you wouldn’t be willing to let it change or go in anyway, especially if you have worked hard to get it that way in the first place. You don’t even want to consider the idea of risking it, because the thought of losing it is too uncomfortable and scary. As mentioned in the previous post, Southampton is my “Get Out Of Jail Free” card – it’s a place I felt like I could run away to when things became difficult. But when I sense it changing, paranoia takes over, and my mind goes into overdrive.
But I’ve realised that I do need to accept this change, or slowly learn to accept it. Because “if we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” Instead of letting this paranoid feeling hold me back in life and stop me from progressing, I need to learn to work around it and carry on with my life like I should. Without endings, there wouldn’t be new beginnings, and who knows, maybe this change will open up a world of opportunities for me.
And for the parts of my life that seem to be missing; I will try to fill them in, maybe with what was there before, but most probably with something new.