I am suffocating inside my own body. Quite often I feel my body tightening, as if I’m being compressed from all directions. My heart starts to feel heavy, and my head confused. I suffer from a certain level of anxiety. I recently saw a video on Facebook named Things People With Anxiety Want Their Friends To Know, posted by a page called The Mighty, which is what prompted me to actually write this post.
I’ve had this anxiety for many years. When I look back, I remember moments of anxiety back to when I wasn’t even a teenager yet. I’m now 20 and it’s still here. It’s hard to come to terms with it. You don’t understand why you do certain things, and it makes it even harder when other people don’t either, and start judging you for it.
But then again, how can you expect others to understand something you barely do.
Sometimes when I’m feeling the anxiety, I have no idea why I’m anxious
‘I analyse things CONSTANTLY because of anxiety. I cannot turn my brain off and it can be exhausting’ said one of the notes in the video. This is how I feel every day. This is why I feel like I’m suffocating. And no one else seems to understand. When I try and tell someone, or raise the issue with someone, they immediately reply with “it’s all in your head”, or “just have some confidence”, or even “you’re just overthinking. If you stop, it’ll be fine”.
That’s the problem. I can’t stop. I can’t turn it off.
Sometimes it’s really unexpected. It just sort of happens, and I’m not sure why.
It’s like a constant noise in my head. Constant screaming. One side shouting “you’re being a coward!! Just do something about it!” and the other also shouting at me, telling me I’d be an idiot for doing so. One side desperately trying to find positives, whilst the other only throws the negatives at me. Over and over again. On an endless loop, just suffering by myself inside my head. Even as I’m sat here writing this post, something triggered my anxiety, and there is this battle going on inside me.
“Even when things are wonderful, I’m always waiting for something horrible to happen” said another note. Don’t get me wrong, when something positive happens, my happiness spreads out like the sun’s ray and I stay on this high for quite sometime. But then something else might happen, or I might notice something and it crashes instantly. Once this happens, it is so hard to get back to where I was. It’s easier when I’m with others, I can be easily distracted and my mood lifts. But then as soon as I’m alone, or even just left to my thoughts for a minute, the mood drops.
[It] feels like drowning all the time
I have been trying to fix it, trying to make it better but I’ve reached a point where I don’t think there’s any hope. But it’s not my attitude. I want to make that clear.
And like it was said in the video, I’m not my anxiety either. I’m still me. I just need a little bit of understanding and, occasionally, someone telling me to breathe.