Life Blog – Confusion

Those of you who follow my blog will know that I don’t handle stress well, and suffer from anxiety. I go through these phases quite often.

I’ve been feeling confused and anxious about something for a while now, and I’ve only just managed to:

  1. Accept it after telling myself over and over again that it’s not the case
  2. Convince myself to let it out before it escalates further.

I’ve found writing about it is the only way I can deal with it at the moment, in order to stop overthinking and making the situation worse.

A few months ago, in another blog post, I talked about a decision I made to do with dance and how I haven’t questioned it since because it has changed me and my life for the better. But quite recently, I’ve started thinking about other decisions I’ve made, and wondering why I made them. Some of them were quite spontaneous, others well thought out, but I’ve been questioning both types. Some are more recent, whereas others span back a few years. Have I been changing myself through making these decisions, but not always for the better? Have I made myself more emotionally vulnerable? Have I lost sight of making realistic goals, by taking a far too optimistic approach to certain things?

I won’t explicitly explain what these decisions were, because there are quite a few and this post will probably get too long, and I don’t fancy writing a part 1 and 2 about such a negative topic. But, for some reason, I’ve feel like I’ve lost sight of who I am in some ways. I find myself asking myself really simple questions with obvious answers, getting confused really quickly, maybe even making life decisions without properly thinking things through. I guess in a way, I’ve found myself feeling quite overwhelmed, and flustered, to the point where I don’t know if I’m doing anything right.

I feel lost when thinking about myself; I’m not sure who I am.  Dance is my escape. When I dance I tell myself that I know I am a dancer. But then what? What else am I? When the music stops, and I have to face reality, who am I? I’m not sure who I am to others around me either. My mind keeps telling me “you’re the daughter”, but all I can think is “why?”.

“You’re the girlfriend.” But why?

“You’re the best friend.” Again, why? Why me?

Why am I all these things when I feel like I shouldn’t be? I’m not sure of who I am myself, I’m not sure if I like myself, and I’m not sure if, right now, I can cope with the pressure that comes with being all these things to all these people, when I’m struggling to get a hold of myself.

I want to deliver and make my parents proud. I need to do well enough because their future depends on me. I want to pour out love and affection to my boyfriend, and show him everyday that I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I with him. I want to be there for my friends, support them and hold their hands whenever they’re in need. But recently, I’ve been feeling more like I need to do some of these things, purely because I’ve come this far and I can’t slip up and it’s too late to turn back. I can’t let anyone down, even for a second, even though I know I have countless times over the last few weeks and months. I don’t know how many of these I can handle right now. I don’t know how many are holding me back, causing all this confusion, causing me to question decisions I’ve made, and stopping me from making ones I want to make.

I know I’m too scared to say that out loud.

And I don’t know what to do.

 

 

 

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