Those of you who follow my blog will know that I don’t handle stress well, and suffer from anxiety. I go through these phases quite often.
I’ve been feeling confused and anxious about something for a while now, and I’ve only just managed to:
- Accept it after telling myself over and over again that it’s not the case
- Convince myself to let it out before it escalates further.
I’ve found writing about it is the only way I can deal with it at the moment, in order to stop overthinking and making the situation worse.
A few months ago, in another blog post, I talked about a decision I made to do with dance and how I haven’t questioned it since because it has changed me and my life for the better. But quite recently, I’ve started thinking about other decisions I’ve made, and wondering why I made them. Some of them were quite spontaneous, others well thought out, but I’ve been questioning both types. Some are more recent, whereas others span back a few years. Have I been changing myself through making these decisions, but not always for the better? Have I made myself more emotionally vulnerable? Have I lost sight of making realistic goals, by taking a far too optimistic approach to certain things?
I won’t explicitly explain what these decisions were, because there are quite a few and this post will probably get too long, and I don’t fancy writing a part 1 and 2 about such a negative topic. But, for some reason, I’ve feel like I’ve lost sight of who I am in some ways. I find myself asking myself really simple questions with obvious answers, getting confused really quickly, maybe even making life decisions without properly thinking things through. I guess in a way, I’ve found myself feeling quite overwhelmed, and flustered, to the point where I don’t know if I’m doing anything right.
I feel lost when thinking about myself; I’m not sure who I am. Dance is my escape. When I dance I tell myself that I know I am a dancer. But then what? What else am I? When the music stops, and I have to face reality, who am I? I’m not sure who I am to others around me either. My mind keeps telling me “you’re the daughter”, but all I can think is “why?”.
“You’re the girlfriend.” But why?
“You’re the best friend.” Again, why? Why me?
Why am I all these things when I feel like I shouldn’t be? I’m not sure of who I am myself, I’m not sure if I like myself, and I’m not sure if, right now, I can cope with the pressure that comes with being all these things to all these people, when I’m struggling to get a hold of myself.
I want to deliver and make my parents proud. I need to do well enough because their future depends on me. I want to pour out love and affection to my boyfriend, and show him everyday that I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I with him. I want to be there for my friends, support them and hold their hands whenever they’re in need. But recently, I’ve been feeling more like I need to do some of these things, purely because I’ve come this far and I can’t slip up and it’s too late to turn back. I can’t let anyone down, even for a second, even though I know I have countless times over the last few weeks and months. I don’t know how many of these I can handle right now. I don’t know how many are holding me back, causing all this confusion, causing me to question decisions I’ve made, and stopping me from making ones I want to make.
I know I’m too scared to say that out loud.
And I don’t know what to do.