I made a very important decision a few days ago, something that I initially found very hard to accept, and am still finding quite difficult to manage. But I made this decision in the hope that, despite having to struggle now, I’ll be struggling less in the future.
I recently had an assessment center for a graduating teaching programme, called the Leadership Development Programme, run by Teach First. I found out about the assessment during the week I was writing my dissertation, which was due in for the 29th April, and my assessment center had been set for the 3rd of May, so I did not have a lot of time to prepare. It was in the midst of this that I had decided to change one aspect of my life, so that I could focus on things I really needed to prioritise, such as my studies, finding a job and working on my dancing.
It hit me hard.
It was something I kept running back and forth on, something that had been an ongoing problem for well over half a year, and, a few days ago, I had reached that point in my life where I felt I needed to fix it instead of making do. It wasn’t easy. I spent the first few days wondering whether it was the right decision, telling myself I was being selfish, telling myself that may be this won’t work and I should just scrap the plan. But I knew I had really been struggling.
I spent a lot of time crying.
It hurt.. To accept it, to come to terms with it, and telling myself it was going to be fine was just next to impossible. It’s going to take a lot of time to get used to, and the next few weeks, or even months, are going to be long and difficult. It’s going to be a battle. But I know I need to stick through because if it can be fixed, then there is no point in giving up without trying.
Although I initially felt very guilty, and kept blaming myself for this, I have come to realise it is the only way for me to get my life together, for me to settle down and figure out a lot of things. It is the only way right now for me to take opportunities that are out there for me, without feeling like I am being held back. My life comes first. Since making this decision, I had attended the assessment center and had been offered the job the next day. It really showed me my potential, and what I could achieve if I just focused and put my mind to things. Recently, I hadn’t been.
It is going to be a fight. I am going to have times where I will feel like falling back and throwing this choice out the window. I am going to have days where I just won’t feel like smiling because of some sort of emptiness that exists inside me. But I know I will still need to soldier on. Not just for me, but for others too. Because this could make my situation better than it was before.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and realise what’s important in you life, what you can live with, and what you can live without. Sometimes you need to take a step back in order to take a leap forward.
I will admit it. I feel like I am drowning. It is killing me. But if I’m to make this work, and make the most of it, I’ll need to fight through and find a different way to the surface.