Life Blog – Fear

I’ve written about my anxiety before, and how it affects my life and makes me feel. I haven’t had a serious anxiety attack for a while now, which is a relief. It made me realise what and who I should surround myself with in order to lessen the effects.

I’ve been in a good place the past couple of weeks. I had spent a lot of time exploring different places, with some spontaneity along the way; did a lot of dancing, especially over the past week; spent time with my dearest friends, and grew closer to others. I also celebrated my 21st birthday yesterday, and it was the best I’ve ever had. I’ve felt like I have been on this high, soaring above the clouds, and that no one could bring me down.

But that itself has become a reason that’s bringing me down. Anxiety leaves you feeling like something will always go wrong, especially when things have been going well. It’s this underlying thought you just can’t shift. For me, everything has been going really well, to the point where I feel like it’s going too well. Too well for me. I can’t remember the last time things were this great. But now I’m fearing for the day when it goes wrong and I get knocked over. I’m scared it’s going to be a long way down because I’ve just been climbing up and up, getting further and further away from the ground.

Plus I’m very acrophobic..

…(I know, that was poor attempt at putting some humor in this post).

I keep telling myself things will be fine if I want them to be; I keep touching wood in order to rid any jinxes and make myself feel better. But who am I kidding? I’m still so scared deep down inside.

It doesn’t help that I am away from my friends and from my safe haven for the next 3 months. I’m done with university for the year, which means coming back home to good old London. I love being home, I love London, and I do miss my family dearly when I’m away. But there are times when it’s not where I want to be, for many reasons.Especially when it’s regarding my anxiety, the first people I need are my best friends, not my family. Things get lonely when my parents go off to work, and then I’m often left here alone with my thoughts, with no one nearby. Not a good thing for anxiety.

My friends and I live quite far apart, the nearest being about an hour bus ride away. But my closest friends are even further – no longer a walk or short bus ride away, or even across the hallway, like they are in Southampton. Meeting up with any of my friends isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t help when my parents also want me home most of the time, as I’m away for 9 months a year.

I need to find a way to shake this feeling, this doubt I have with my life and the way it’s playing out. Maybe things are changing for the better and it’s just going to take some getting used to? But, right now, I’m finding it quite hard to convince myself about that. My best friend got me a book on Meditation for my birthday yesterday, so maybe it’s time to read more of it. I’m hoping that’ll calm my feelings, at least temporarily.

I guess, here’s to things going well, and staying positive. Because even I haven’t seen myself like this in such a long time, and I really, really, don’t want it to go away. But, if it goes well or if it goes badly, you’ll hear about it.

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