In my last blog post, I wrote about this overwhelming feeling of paranoia and anxiety, after having had none of them for some time. The main reason was due to the fact that things had been going really well for me recently, which is rare. But I realised there is another thing I ‘m scared of; something else that always lingers in the back of my head and now has me feeling quite anxious.
This feeling isn’t new to me, I’ve felt it countless times before, and most of the time, my feelings have been right. Maybe that’s why I keep feeling it again and again?
I’m someone who can become quite attached to those I care about and those who are dear to me. That doesn’t mean I trust people easily; I’m quite cautious, sometimes a little too much. But growing up as a single child, I’ve had a few friends I’ve thought of as family and grew quite fond of. On numerous occasions, these people have just disappeared from my life, and a lot of times without any notice or explanation. Some left because I was no longer of use to them. Some left because I screwed up. Others left because they grew out of the friendship. This makes it so much harder to grow closer to others. You become quite skeptical – are they going to stay or will they also leave? Can I trust them or are they just using me? Am I replacement for someone or just someone to kill their boredom? Will they leave when they’ve had enough?
And now when someone new becomes quite close to me, I start asking myself when they’re going to leave. 2 years into a relationship and I still have the same questions about my partner. Not because I don’t trust him, I trust him with my life, but because someone always seems to leave.
I’ve come to understand that it takes years for me to grow out of the idea that a close friend is going to leave me. I have a handful of friends who have stuck around for many years. Some of them, who I’ve been close with for at least 5 years, are still my closest friends. Yes we’ve changed and grown slightly apart but the love and the care is still the same. One friend I’ve known since I was 12. He has seen me grow into the woman I am today, and has been an older brother figure in my life throughout these years. I rarely see him; I saw him for the first time in at least 2 years the other day, yet it was as if we’ve never really been apart. But even with these friends, it took me a while to get over this fear.
Naturally, as circumstances in my life change, I change as well. I’ve changed the way I see life and other people, I’ve become more independent in making decisions about who and what I want to surround myself with, and more certain about what I want in life. Because of this, I’ve have grown apart from a few people who I once thought of as my close friends. I started to see clearer. I started to see who were, by my definition of friendship, genuine friends, and who were just there for the perks. I came to understand that a lot of the people I had surrounded myself with over the past 2 years at university were not those whose company I actually appreciated.
Over the past few months, I’ve grown closer to two friends in particular, and have actually gone out of my way to get know others more too. But before, I closed myself off in this circle that I thought was for me, when it wasn’t. I feel so comfortable with those around me now, and I feel like I can actually be myself with them. It feels like home. But I’m scared to get too comfortable.I’m scared that it won’t last.
I think I’m mainly worried that I am going to ruin things myself. It has happened in the past, where I didn’t handle a situation in the best way and lost a friend that day – about 7 or 8 years ago. Yes, it was a long time ago, but it was my fault, and that fear is still there. Every time someone leaves, even if I’m not sure of the reason, even to this day, I still think it’s because of me or something I did. I wonder how many times I have been right?
These two friends I’ve grown closer to have become irreplaceable people in my life. One has become the best friend I wish I’d met sooner, the older brother I wish I had growing up. The other has become the younger sister I didn’t realise I had wanted in my life. They have changed my life in so many ways since I’ve gotten to know them better, and they’ve left such a deep imprint that I can’t imagine not having them around. I don’t know what I have done to deserve friends like them, but because of that I’m worried that they’ll leave too. More so because of something I do.
I don’t trust myself, and I don’t trust the future. I don’t trust it because I fear it will take away those who are dear to me.