In my last two blogs, I had written about how things were picking up in my life, and that I was afraid this wouldn’t last. I guess I did jinx it after all because it didn’t last.
The fall happened.
The last few days have been so emotionally exhausting and have put me in such a negative place. My family and I had been called very horrendous things by a person who called themselves a ‘Professional’. I found out one of my uncles is quite unwell, which is not great news as there have been quite a few deaths in the family within the last month or so. And to top it all off, I received my university results today and found out I hadn’t achieved the pass mark.
A few blog posts ago, I talked about decisions I had made and how I was questioning them. Here am I, questioning my decisions again. Would this situation be different had I taken a different path? I keep telling myself I should have been more sensible.. but I don’t even know what I mean by that.
‘Don’t regret choices you’ve made in the past, because, at some point, you really wanted it,’ I told my friend a few days ago. For some reason, like most people, both of us are unable to take our own advice. But it’s that feeling of having let down or disappointed so many people over the space of a few days that has brought on all this regret. I have felt sadness, anger, hatred, anxiety, stress, worry, fear.. all of these in the space of a few days, and doing anything whilst in these emotional states never goes down well. So far, it hasn’t.
‘You should have known better,’ said my dad when I told him how I wasn’t aware I needed to an average mark of 55 to pass the year. In the 17 ish years I’ve spent in education, this is the biggest fall both me and my parents have had to deal with. Though I know I tried my best, I feel horrible. I told him I can retake the exams but even that is a massive confusion in itself. Can I retake more than one exam? Are they capped? If not, how does it work? If I can’t do more than one exam again, I still won’t pass so what do I do?
And on and on and on.
I’ve never had to go through this process before at university and I have no idea how it all works. The website which explains the process makes little sense, regardless of how many times I read it.
Anxiety and panic came and knocked me right over. I’m currently sat in bed writing this as I can’t sleep and I’m hoping it’ll help settle my mind. I now have to figure out how to study for the 3 modules I want to resit in about 3 weeks, whilst trying not to panic at the thought of not having enough time. And that is only if I can resit 3.. if I can only do 1 then I might as well quit.
I don’t know anymore. This hit me like a train.