I don’t want to exist.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I want to take my life. I don’t. Of course, if we die, we cease to exist. But I just don’t want to be here, where I am right now. Whether that means I am dead, or I am existing in a different world or dimension, I don’t know.
I had been trying to write about the positives that had been happening recently, but behind the scenes there has been so much negativity. It’s now at the point where I’m having another breakdown.
My home environment is one I don’t want to stay in – coming back home no longer feels welcoming; it feels daunting. Talking to my mother, I realised that it wasn’t that I had been naive for the past few years but that things have actually changed so much at home. There is so much tension and distress in the air, which alone makes me feel like I’m suffocating.
I feel like I’m not entitled to my own life choices. Everything I do, there’s a question that’s asked back about it. ‘Why do you want to be a teacher?’ ‘You should definitely do something else after the 2 year program’, ‘Does it even pay well?’. Just earlier today, my uncle was telling my cousin that in 2 years time, I will be moving to Switzerland to work there. I didn’t decide that. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.
I know for a fact that my parents aren’t completely happy with my choice of path these days. But my mother, at least, lets me carry on because she knows it’s what I really want. But then why are other people making decisions for me when my own mother isn’t? A fear rises up inside me these days when someone asks me what I’m doing after graduating next year, or what I’m doing this summer. ‘Just tell them an opportunity came by for teaching and you didn’t want to miss it as finding jobs is so hard these days. That way they won’t talk back too much,’ said my mother. ‘Oh and don’t tell anyone you’re resitting some modules this summer either.’ I can’t lie like that. I genuinely start panicking inside when I hear those two questions. It stresses me out and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Why do I have to lie about my life and my choices? Why exist if you’re being made to put up a facade? Why exist if they are so embarrassed or disappointed that even I’m being made to hide the truth? Even from my friends.
I’m also starting to get really frustrated with myself. I can’t focus and get down to work, and my resits are around the corner. I still have one whole module to study and I just can’t do it. I cannot find any motivation. I know how important this is for me, but the thought of having to do it all again next year – at a much more demanding and difficult level – when I don’t even understand, stops me from actually getting down to work. I’m giving up on my final year of study even before it’s started.
I’m also starting to wondering if I’m so selfless that I come across as being easy. I get quite emotionally invested in other people and their problems, even more so in friends and family who are dear to me. It’s a side of me I don’t particularly like, because I’ve had to face the negative consequences and it’s not nice. It’s not that I don’t want to help people – I do. I just wish I could stop taking so much of their problem into my own hands and my own life, to the point where it stops me from carrying on my day to day activities because I’d be sat here worried, stressing, trying to find a solution. It’s not that I don’t like it. I just don’t want it to be taken advantage of. I used to protect myself from that a lot, but these days I’m not sure if I let my walls drop a bit too much, and am being a naive about it all again. A close friend told me to not change this part of me. ‘It’s who you are and I like you as you are my friend,’ he said. I understand what he’s saying but I wish I could change. It really affects my anxiety. But no matter how many times I try, it won’t go away.
On top of that, I’ve been thinking whether my break up was a mistake. I miss him, and I feel like maybe I should have hung on a bit longer and tried a bit harder to make this work. Maybe I should have tried harder to understand things, and help him understand.
My anxiety hasn’t been great these days, hence all these thoughts and fear and stress. About a week ago, I had a breakdown about everything I was going through, and how I just can’t seem to handle everything at once. It felt overwhelming then, and it still does. I couldn’t sleep that night, thinking about everything that was happening, and my friend had to sit next to me, holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be okay, until I eventually fell asleep.
There are moments where I just feel like nothing. I feel like doing nothing, going nowhere, seeing no one. I can’t smile or laugh. My favourite shows or music don’t help. I sit like that for hours, just sat in one spot. I feel miserable. There are times when it might be triggered, but plenty of times when it isn’t. And it isn’t always when I’m alone. There are times when it mixes in with my anxiety and I have a breakdown; an attack. Panic after panic. For months, I have been contemplating seeing someone about this, but this whole time, I have held back. I was scared. Embarrassed. Even now, it makes me feel like I’m weird and the way my mind words is strange. Something to hide. But these moments and attacks have been getting more frequent, and I’m starting to think I really need to force myself to talk to someone about it.
I feel like I need a break. A breather. An escape.
From the environment I’m in right now, from my anxiety, from myself.