The past couple of days, I’ve felt a bit overwhelmed. Why? I’m not too sure. This negative, suffocating feeling just swept over me, and I don’t know what caused it.
I’ve spent the last few hours binge watching movies I thought would make me feel better, but, frankly, they just made me feel worse, and incredibly lonely. I felt a loss of appetite the past few days, contrary to the huge amount I was eating at every meal before this settled in. I can’t seem to control my thoughts. All the problems and upset I was trying to put aside have come flooding back, and are weighing me down.
Why am I like this again?
I just found out that I missed out on a big dance opportunity because a friend didn’t get back to me about it. I mean, yes, I should have gone about it of my own accord, but that’s where the social anxiety comes into play. It’s something out of my comfort zone, and I start to rely on those around me to help me break out of this uncomfortable feeling. I understand that other people do get busy and can forget, and I should have made sure to follow this friend up about this. I think, had I not been so ‘distracted‘, I would have.
I miss dancing. It was a release for me; a different world I could escape to. But these days, I find I’ve been lacking the motivation to even get up and practice an old routine, let alone take myself to a class.
Everything just feels so empty, but at the same time, it feels too busy, to full. Everything is just so broken.
I panicked last night about some news I had received, feeling like I couldn’t reach anyone. It’s not that I don’t have anyone I can go to, but just how many times, how many more weeks, months or days do I need to spend bothering them and dumping all my negativity onto them? I just sat on my bed trying to calm myself down, just trying to breathe through what felt like really thick air.
I don’t know if others with anxiety or depression or other mental or physical disorders feel the same way, but I feel like a ticking time bomb. It’s this feeling of hurting or damaging everything and everyone; that they will all be collateral because you can’t get a hold of yourself. Day by day, problem after problem, bit by bit until it all just caves in. You become afraid to reach out, and to trust, because it’s not fair on those around you to have to endure what you’re desperately trying to fight through.
That being said there is only one person I want to see right now, but I’m not going to be around them for a while, which doesn’t help. I think I might take some time out from everything for a while, and get some distance from some people as well. It might help me start to focus a bit more on the most important thing right now: my revision. Who knows? Maybe it’ll be good for me and my anxiety in the long run.
I just wish I didn’t keep falling into these overwhelmingly negative and upsetting moments. I wish I had a release. I wish I had an answer as to why I do.