It’s hard to describe the feeling of not belonging. You could be surrounded by 2 people or a hundred. These people could be those you’ve known your whole life, yet you will still feel out-of-place and question why you’re around. It’s having a huge team around you, but no one to turn to.
Recently I’ve been trying to understand myself better. The past few days, I’ve found myself becoming more and more easily irritated – very small issues would start bothering. I’ve become more emotional; I cry a lot easier but for much longer. It’s like having crazy mood swings. I could be happy one minute and a crying mess the next.
I’ve also been starting to question those around me. Who should I trust? Who should I keep close? Who should I avoid for my health’s sake? But the answers are never straight forward. For all I know, those I want to keep close might be the people I should get some distance from. Those I thought were unhealthy for me might be the solution. It could be that everyone who’s around me right now are people I shouldn’t be around. But I have no way of figuring that out.
I’m falling deeper and deeper into this mental state. I’ve found myself questioning my existence and not wanting to live a number of times the past few days. Those thoughts aren’t helped by the fact that I feel terrible for involving myself with anyone, in any way. I’m a ticking time bomb, but one that is covered in sharp, piercing spikes. I can only imagine how exhausting and difficult it can be to be close friends with or to try to help someone like me. Someone who can be quite hard to get through to, whose mood fluctuates more times than you can keep up with.
I’ve been finding it harder to control my thoughts, especially when I’m alone. I’d be sat in one place thinking; half a day could go by and I wouldn’t realise it. My only escape from this endless loop is when I’m engaging with other people, and searching for any moment of joy. But I can also be quite withdrawn once thoughts come flooding in. Realising how much joy or fun others are having makes you want to isolate yourself, so that you don’t get in the way. I don’t want to be an obstacle in anyone else’s life.
I feel so much happiness when I’m able to help someone else and see that they’re happy. It’s one of the few things I actually enjoy doing right now, and always have. I love being able to make other people happy, and it brightens my day knowing someone is having a great time. But recently I feel I’ve been doing the opposite. I can’t live with myself knowing that I am the reason behind someone’s unhappiness or distress, because that’s not the person I want to be.
I think I will isolate myself, push myself away so I don’t hurt anyone else, so that I don’t hold back their happiness. I will try to improve and fix myself in that time as well.
I’m not very religious, but these days I’ve been praying more than I have ever done before; praying and begging for this to end because I can’t take it anymore.