I wonder if I’m been digging myself into a bigger hole than I’m already in. It’s not that I am trying to think of it as a hole. I find myself constantly looking for things that make me happy or lift my mood. Constantly. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I think in this case it might be a bit unhealthy and counterproductive.
It’s become like a habit. Every day, the only way I seem to be able to get myself out of bed is if I can find something to do that I know will keep me distracted and keep my mood up. Otherwise, I’ll lay in bed, not wanting to do anything; eat, study, clean etc.
But I think, as a result, I’ve started to fear facing things I know will bring my mood down. The thought of them scares me a little. Because when my mood drops these days, it becomes very difficult for me to get out of it. And I don’t want to be in that position. I avoid certain situations knowing they will make me feel uncomfortable even though I know it’s the worst way to handle a situation.
I guess in a way I want to show people that I’m doing okay. And convince myself that I’m doing okay. That I’ve got everything under control. I don’t know. Do I? Or is it just a facade?