I get too serious about things far too quickly. Friendships, relationships, jobs, hobbies – basically every aspect of my life.I guess it might be due the way I’ve been raised and the world I was raised into. I come from a lower class family, am an only child, and have seen the struggles my parents have had to go through my whole life. In a way, it taught me the value of things and I try to do my best at it all. But it makes it hard to let go of things.
Yes, it’s nearly 2am right now – probably not the best time to release my emotions but an image I just saw on social media prompted this post. It said, ‘The hardest thing in life is not talking to someone who you used to talk to every day.’ It got me thinking about all the people I used to be like that with. We all drifted apart, and it was always so difficult and so painful. More times than I would have wanted, it was the other person pulling away. I wonder if it was as hard for them as it was for me? Or did they not notice? I think that’s why I try so hard these days to hold onto anything that’s around. Why I try so hard to take things cautiously, purely because the thought of going through that pain is frightening. The thought that someone can so easily and simply let go is a scary thought. For anyone.
As a knock on effect, you start doubting your trust. I’m wondering if I’ve been naive, if I have misplaced my trust in a moment of blindness and I’ve tried too hard to see the best in people. Am I just easy? Do people even care?
It doesn’t even have to be a person. A new job, or a new hobby I’m no longer allowed to pursue.
I think it’s one of the worst traits about myself. I care too much. I used to tell myself that people appreciated it and so learnt to embrace it. But these days I’m starting to wonder if it’s actually costing me opportunities and friendships as opposed to nurturing them. I wonder if it’s become a trait that burdens others or pushes them away instead. That being said, it isn’t something that’s easy to change or let go off, especially when you truly care, in an almost unconditional manner. Naturally, you care for those who care and look out for you. But over time, this becomes a case of you still caring and lookin out for them even if they have stopped seeing you the same way. It isn’t always a good thing. You don’t want to be used or hurt, or seen as being easy.
I don’t know where I’m trying to go with this post. I think I just needed to get some things off my chest, and maybe try to figure out what I need to do next. Maybe I needed to talk to someone, as I feel as if I have no one I can talk to about this at the moment.