I know you can’t keep everyone happy, all the time. I learnt that from a fairly young age. But to this day, I still try to keep those I love and those who I keep close to my heart, smiling. I think without realising, it’s become one of my biggest ‘goals’ in life, per say. I’m not sure why I’ve always tried to be that person. For a few years, that side of me had disappeared. But now that it’s back, is it maybe detrimental to others? Or maybe even burdening?
Retracing my steps, I’m trying to understand why I see life in such a way, or those around me in such a way, and if I can find a solution. Is it because of the misery and stress I had to witness from everyone around me as I was growing up? Until my mid teens, I was a quiet, introverted child. The image I had of my parents were negative because that was the side I would see the most. My father stressing out over work, and working ridiculous hours to help the family get by. My mother fighting to get through betrayal from those dear to her, trying to work for the family and raising a child essentially all by herself because the only time dad was around was late at night, to sleep. Having gone through a very rough patch myself, I slowly started to value the relationship I had with my parents and realised that amends needed to be made if it were to be anything I could truly treasure.
I started to become more sociable. I would talk to my mother about daily happenings; I would try and have conversations with my father who was always upset that we didn’t have much of a connection. I started studying harder to make my mother happy that I was focusing on education, and I stopped rebelling and hiding things as much as I used to. Then the changes came.
They were more happy.
Even to this day, my mother and father have fought through so much and still are fighting. But I still see a smile on my mother’s face when I tell her news that brightens her whole day, be it a funny story or something she had been hoping I’d achieve. My father is a little bit more tricky to make smile. But as a result, I hesitate before telling my parents anything that I know would cause them stress or worry. Anything that would remove the smile off their faces. And it just makes every day even harder for me, even if makes it easier for them. But that is a cost I was willing to pay.
I know now that I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to hide things from those that matter to me because I’m scared of their reaction, or because I want to ‘protect’ them. Not only will it make me hypocritical, I also understand how much it hurts to be in that position.
But it pains me to see them hurt.
Yes, I know that they will react the way they react, and of course are free to take situations the way they want to. I am in no position to manipulate that; I have no right to. But why does it hurt so much to see them hurt? And why does it feel like it’s my fault, my responsibility?
Maybe I should stop getting so invested in the emotions of those I care about. I know that they can handle it on their own so why am I so persistent on being a super hero and trying to save the day, their day? I think by trying so hard, maybe I’m actually adding to the damage?
But it’s hard to stop caring, no matter how much I hate that side of me at times, no matter how many times someone tells me it’s a good trait to have, and no matter how much I wish I could stop. I guess instead of trying to keep everyone happy, I need to learn to make the best of a situation.
Side note: missing depression/anxiety medications really does heighten emotions. Never again.