It’s crazy, the situations that actually make you feel so alone. Not only the situations, but the people. One minute, you could be laughing and having a great time with a bunch of people, only to feel deserted by another the next minute. This is exactly what I am going through right now. The only thing I can’t put my finger on is why I care.
At first I thought maybe it was jealously. We all have the little green monster inside us, so I wouldn’t have been surprised if I felt jealous or envious that someone had something I also expected. But that wasn’t quite it. Instead of feeling jealous, I felt isolated and abandoned. Outcast. I heard things that made me question where I stood in people’s lives, and wonder if I was just being delusional about certain things.
I just don’t know why I care so much. I know for a fact that these people aren’t that special to me, and definitely aren’t people I particularly treasure. They are more like acquaintances than anything. But why am I trying to be included and recognised when I know it’s something that will bring me more discomfort than joy? Why am I trying to compete for something that I don’t actually need to fight for?
Is it because I am scared to lose the things I treasure, or the familiarity of it all? Regarding the things I treasure, I know, deep down, that I won’t lose them unless I do something to ruin things. But why do I want to keep myself in this familiar state instead of venturing out and finding company and places where I am genuinely happy and accepted? Right now, I definitely don’t feel like I belong. But do I need to be so obsessed with trying to ‘fit in’?