I wouldn’t say I trust easy. After all the hurt I’ve had to experience because of trusting the wrong people, I think I’ve learnt a little from that mistake. But there is still another big hurdle I need to overcome – I see the best in people too easily, and too often. I have always wanted to live my life in a way that doesn’t burden others. Because of this, I think I’ve become too lenient in certain situations, purely because I hate seeing other’s being put down. I want to be someone who is helpful to others and not detrimental, and I try everything I can to do that. I must admit, there are plenty of times where I am trying to be helpful but the result is anything but that.
But maybe because of this, I’ve conditioned myself into seeing the best of people in bad situations, and therefore forgive them too easily. This has a very negative effect on my mood when things go downhill, which is counterproductive when trying to overcome my anxiety and depression. I guess it can be misinterpreted as placing my trust in the wrong people too.
That is something that has been on my mind recently. Trust. Loyalty. Have I chosen the right people to trust? Or am I being used and manipulated, and just being so naïve that I am oblivious to it all? It’s a difficult question to answer, and a sensitive topic to discuss with anyone, because it does make you seem as though you don’t trust them or don’t want to. I do. But after having gone through so much, you want to throw caution to the wind. There are only a handful people I trust, and within those only one or two I trust with my life. But maybe it’s time to re-evaluate that, and take current situations with a pinch of salt.
Because I don’t want to be used, and I don’t want my friendship to be abused. I don’t want to trust those who only want me around when they’re bored or when they need a temporary replacement or cover for someone else. I want to make precious memories with them. You start feeling so pathetic when you are there with so many ideas and plans, and positive images and ideologies of them, but they just see it as another set of words from another person. Before you know it, a plan is cancelled, or they bail last minute, or they take a ‘rain check’ after you’ve already arrived. It’s always the same people, the same situation, the same excuse, but do they ever stop and wonder how much it must hurt you? As much as I do want to make others happy, and be helpful, over the past few days I’ve realised that it shouldn’t come at the cost of my own happiness. If it brings me misery, then is it always worth seeing through?