Life Blog – Disgraced

Not too long ago, I opened up about my depression to all of my friends on social media, because I felt so frustrated about the way depression was being treated by some individuals, and hoped that my story would help to eliminate any stereotypes surrounding a person who has depression.

Yes, overall, there was a positive response; many people contacted me privately to let me know how they were, or have, suffered from some form of mental illness and that they felt grateful I spoke out. Some of these people were those I would have never imagined to have been suffering on the inside, due to the strong image they wore on the outside. Hearing people say that they felt my voice also spoke out for them, and others who are suffering, was a huge motivation to do more to help fight the stigma.

That was until my own depression was shot down in the most hurtful and tormenting way possible. I had briefly written about this in yesterday’s daily short, but it has still been bothering me, so I had to get my frustration out properly.

I don’t understand people who use a person’s mental illness against them, especially those who have their own diagnosis and know the struggle. How can such a person blame someone for having depression? It’s not a lifestyle choice, nor a switch. To think that someone could say I’m at fault for having depression absolutely tore me apart. It tore me to the point that, on 2 separate occasions over the space of a week, I was desperate to kill myself. They were aware of this, but dismissed it as if it was just a cry for attention. No. It was a cry for help, for this torture to end because I could not live with myself at that point.

I, honestly, cannot see why someone would think that by doing this, they are helping you ‘get better’. The way to help someone, who is suffering, to come to terms with their illness, to come to terms with themselves, is not by demotivating them further, but by showing them the good things in their life. They need strength and motivation to grow, to keep on fighting the mental torment, day after day.

I do get disappointed when those who don’t fully understand mental health act in such a manner; they are uninformed. But to have someone who does understand the pain act in such an ignorant and selfish manner, makes me feel disgusted. It makes me regret opening up about my problems, it makes me wonder if I should have done so. I feel like now I’m going to be sceptical about who to trust, or if I should trust anyone as a matter of fact. I, myself, have questioned whether my emotions were justified, but this is the first time someone else has made me feel like I should question them.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still going to fight against the stigma. If anything, it has motivated me more. But I got taught a very valuable lesson. I feel so grateful that when I was feeling suicidal, I was blessed enough to have a group of amazing people who genuinely cared about my wellbeing reach out to me. I spent my time reaching out to someone over and over again, although they just kept knocking me down over and over again, when I should have looked around more and realised that they weren’t the person who I should have been leaning on.

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