I returned to London today from Zurich, and on returning I experienced a feeling I thought I had gained control over.
I wouldn’t say it’s the same heartbroken ache you feel when losing someone you truly loved. This feels different. I feel damaged and abused, but not physically and not completely emotionally either. It’s hard to explain.
Even before landing in London, as the plane took off from Zurich Airport, something triggered specific memories I had with a specific person. I thought I had taken care of these, swept them under the rug and all was well. Evidently, I hadn’t. However, I didn’t miss them; I wasn’t being overwhelmed by the feeling of wanting to see them or talk to them or for things to be like how they used to be. I just felt sheer pain. There aren’t many choices I’ve made that I’ve felt regretful about, even if the outcome was very negative. But with this, regret took over my mind and my heart so confidently, shortly followed by self loathing for being so naive and stupid and for following my feelings.
Then reality kicks in and, in a way, you start to realise the extent of the damage that’s been done to you and how that is worsened day after day, week after week, as you are reminded of how little, if any, pain or guilt they feel towards the matter. I knew I had to take care of this before it got to this point, before it hurt me, my self esteem, and my confidence so much. I can’t go on like this, and so, before the New Year, I’m going to take myself away from as many triggers as possible.
Despite all this, I learnt such a valuable lesson. After going through other situations where my trust has been abused, I’ve become more sceptical of people around me, people I know. It takes me a while before I feel comfortable enough to get emotionally naked and wear my feelings on my sleeve. But I realised that someone you would trust with your life may still be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.