T-1 hour until my next schedule. I would normally be jumping for joy about this schedule but for a couple of weeks now, I have just wanted to stay at home and not go. It used to make me so happy, but now it makes me feel so alone that I find myself feeling more upset when I attend as opposed to when I don’t.
It knocks my self-confidence down a lot – something I have been working on for a very long time. It makes me question my relationships with people around me, people involved. It makes me wonder whether an external factor has had an influence on how I am perceived. If so, I shouldn’t care because that just means they are not who I thought they were – I’ve written about this very topic many times before. It’s just that if it is true, these are people who told me they are the ‘true friends’, the ones who love me for who I am and really know me, so that would mean they weren’t this whole time. If anything, that will knock me down to place I really don’t want to be in.
I’m already half-way there, trying so hard to make my way back up, but if I fall down, I’m afraid I will never be able to trust anyone again, and live in and with an isolated mindset.