Most creatures – nearly all – instinctively know to avoid anything that may be dangerous to them, or could put them in harm’s way. Humans on the other hand, may be due to our more advanced abilities and intellect, don’t fall into this category that easily. Although it makes sense to keep out of harms way, there are times when we are lured in by it (or even the danger of it – for the sake of adrenaline).
Recently, I’ve started to understand a lot better what sort of a person I am, what I want in life and in love. I am a romantic – simple. I love flowers, and holding hands; kisses on my forehand and cuddles for no reason. I am a sucker for things like this. This means that I fall for someone who does these things very easily. Very easily.
But then I learnt the hard way that not everyone’s intentions are the same as yours.
I had shown a little interest in someone around me, someone I felt very confused by but thought maybe they were interested in me too. They were very good at understanding what actions would make me smile, make my heart skip a beat and make me – essentially – fall to their feet. I would be blinded by this every time that I would forget about any annoying or rude action committed by them. I’d start wondering if it could be something at some point even if it isn’t now. I’d get happy that they are showing a interest in my life and actually feel good about myself.
However, for about a week or two now, they have been the most annoying and rude person in my life and it makes me wonder what I ever saw in them. This usually happens every time with this person but then I fall back into the state of catching feelings because of something else they do. This time round I have started to notice how toxic they are for me. I’ve started to see right through their facade, the front they put on; my annoyance is triggered so much more because their mannerisms are subpar and extremely immature and rude – these things bother me a lot, and I normally wouldn’t be friends with such a person.
They, on numerous occasions would have specific thoughts running through my mind – “you’ll never be good enough, it will never just be you, you’re easy, you’re stupid, you’re too wishful”. They will have me questioning my strength and self respect. I would be sat telling myself that it’s hard, when you there is someone you know you shouldn’t like or fall for but start developing some sorta feelings for them anyway. But then it gets crushed and I am left ruined and wondering why I always go for the things I can’t have or shouldn’t have.
Do to others as you’d have them do to you – Luke 6:31
The only line I remember from the bible and something I live by despite not being very religious at all. If I am to be treated like something from the underside of their shoe, then I am not going to treat them like the friend I saw them to be, regardless of what has happened between us. Instead they are now less than an acquaintance, just someone I know. I have stopped trying to even have conversations with them, invite them to events and gatherings, just socialise or acknowledge them in any way. Because I am tired, of being treated so lowly, of having unnecessary stress put on my life by someone who doesn’t care for me, and of having someone who barely knows me make me feel like I’m someone who isn’t worth anyone’s time.
They were toxic to my life and my health and I wish I had seen it sooner so I didn’t go in a circle with them. But this lesson has taught me more to be a bit more skeptical and see through people’s facades and fake intentions. Especially if it means protecting myself.
That being said, I’m not going to become more cynical about life – this is just one person, but in the same timeframe, I have made some amazing friends. I am just going to be more wary about wearing my heart on my sleeve for all to see. You wouldn’t voluntarily place yourself in a situation where you would have to consume a toxic substance, knowing the harm it would do to you. Likewise, I am not going to involve myself with people I know will be toxic to me.