I’ve been feeling great recently, as I have documented on this blog. That was up until Tuesday night when things just started to go downhill. I was told something on a night out in town by a friend that hurt me more than it should. To make things worse, it’s an issue that has cropped out every single time I’m in a similar situation. Every single time. So, to hear it again shattered me and that was the end of my good night.
That has been in the back of my mind since, and it’s been a mental battle of me telling myself that I will never be worth it or good enough but also trying to tell myself that I am. But I’ve been trying to back off, to leave it as the person requested because it isn’t a mess I need to be in, no matter how much it makes me ache.
To make the problem even more awkward and painful, my emotions may have been completely exposed so its now even more difficult to act as if I don’t care – to act as if I didn’t get my emotions tangled up in this when I said I wouldn’t.
Since then, results for my January exams have been released; it was abysmal. I scored a lot lower than I had thought, even in the exams that felt great, and knowing that I was failing more and more and becoming the failure I was afraid of becoming. The weight of the expectations placed on me by my family has started to take its toll and it’s a crown I want to break and throw away.
Amongst this, there were other chaotic moments – missing labs, missing lectures, not being able to keep with chores and errands, worrying about my friends and things they are going through, not being able to eat properly (I can’t remember the last time I had a proper meal or even had breakfast). Things seem to be going downhill again, and I have been trying so hard to hold on to something that has no grip.
But it broke me last night, the weight and pain of it all, and I spent 3 hours crying with my housemate in the library as he came to pick me up. I have reached my breaking point and I just need to pick myself back up.