I am aware that it has been 5 days since my last post (which was also my 300th post! I only just came around to noticing) but there have been so many situations that have come up, leaving me feel low at times, or tired otherwise.
Since my last post, I have had another dance competition, which again didn’t go as well as hoped (we placed 4th) and it left me a mess. I have never felt so dearly about something like this, but I cried so much about it. I felt like I had let the team down – had I not made those mistakes, maybe it could have been even slightly better. That was our last competition where we may have stood a very good chance of placing, as the next is extremely large and competitive. But it is what it is, and I have put that behind me to move on.
Then a thought that had lingered in the back on my head – about me being a floater (someone who doesn’t have a set of friends they regularly stick to/identify with – was confirmed. I saw it coming, but hearing it from someone who I thought as a good friend hurt even more. On top of this, the fact they didn’t try to rectify or make the situation easier to handle made it worse. I found out in the middle of conducting fieldwork, and spent the rest of the hours desperately holding my tears in, only to let them overflow when I came back home. Because the floating situation was regarding dance, and my dance squad, I now dread practices and the thought of quitting is more intense than before. I have felt like this for months now, but never confronted it and fought through. But now I have only one more competition left, and after that I won’t have to feel so terrible anymore, and relate such a sour feeling to something I love doing.
It’s a weird situation, feeling more at home with other dances than the style you identify with. But, over the years, I’ve started to realise that what others see of street dance is just the surface of something that can get quite clique-y.
I’m doing much better now, despite the last situation having taken place yesterday. I seek out those and the things that make me happy, and try to keep the negativity out. Even those who do seem to enjoy my company were taken back by this ‘floater’ situation but again, there is no point lingering with it. I know that the more I focus on this, the more it is going to put be back in my depressed state, and I am slowly overcoming it and don’t want to backtrack on the progress I’ve made.
It’s the annual dance show this weekend, with tech rehearsal tomorrow evening, the first show on Friday evening, and the last two on Saturday. I will probably share some videos or snippets from the show so you guys can get a taste of the dance life at my university.
That was all for my little update but I am
secretly procrastinating whilst at the library, so maybe it is time to get back to work.