I’m PriscillaWe break up now using silence. We break up now putting our heads down, and turning our phones on. We break up now by not wanting to get closure, in fear of confrontation. We break up now, by pretending they never existed. We break up now by trying too hard to forget. We use…
I saw the above blog on my dashboard as I opened up the website to write today’s Daily Short, which was going to be on a completely different topic. However, after reading this, it triggered me to write about it.
I recently stopped seeing someone I was starting to like – he ended it quite abruptly, through a Facebook message. I was offended, for the very reason that we are ruining breaking up by hiding behind our phones, our laptops, typing away at the keyboard. We’re making our lives easier by not having to face the other person when we go to break them by telling them it’s over. But, really, we’re taking the coward’s route – it’s never meant to be easy, it’s never meant to be just ‘Oh hi sorry, we’re done, and now I don’t have to worry about doing this in person and can ignore you if I ever run into you’.
I asked to meet this person, and asked him to tell me and explain face to face. He did, for all of 10 minutes, before running off. I never got all the answers, just a sorry this happened, this is my reason (or maybe excuse) and ‘I hope we can still be cool’.
That’s hard. It’s hard when you’ve been dropped in an instant when you’ve been so sure things were going great, hard to ‘be cool’ when you see him when there are so many questions and doubts running through your head. It’s hard when you walk away unscathed because you have broken and now are barely acknowledging me because you feel like you don’t need to. Why should you? Doing so will only make it harder, right?
That’s the thing, it’s meant to be hard.
But I can’t say I’m innocent of not ruining break ups either. I get in a foul mood when I think about you, or a memory is dug up again. I tried to fill the void by dancing, by desperately seeking out my friends, by eating the worst things for me. By craving night outs where I can get drunk and forget about the world, wanting to get back at you by moving to someone else. All these terrible things that make a break up a disgusting experience.
I have people around me telling me I should be fine. ‘It wasn’t that long, so there’s no need for you to be that upset,’ they say. So I tell them I’m fine, when I’m aching inside. I put on a front, when all I want to do is tell them that it left a big impact.
But now I feel afraid, afraid to like someone in the fear they will leave, that they will get bored or use me and fall out of my life as quickly as they entered it. I’m afraid to fall deeper into liking someone I’m with, because I’m half convinced they will just leave me, and I’ll still be there, hanging onto a one-sided love.
Because that’s what breakups have become, and that’s who they turn us into.