The Words Running Laps Around My Head

You just constantly keep cropping up; I wish you wouldn’t.

I see your name everywhere, despite having hidden if from everywhere I could.

The memories keep resurfacing at random moments, making any happy feeling disappear into a pit of pain.

Hearsay and secondhand gossip keeps holding me back, but a part of me wants to know; How are you doing? What are you up to? Can we talk? Are you hurting like I am? But I hold it all in.

I feared running into you everywhere I go, but knowing you’re not around right now makes me wish I had at some point.

So that I can ask you everything I want to. So that I can get the closure I need.

The better side of me, maybe, wants to despise you, look away and move on with my heart filled with spite. “That’s a form of closure too,’ I tell myself.

Is it though?

But you were so good – too good – that it’s almost impossible to hate you. So good to the point I wish it didn’t happen.

‘He was a step in the right direction,’ said my friend. I think I interpreted it as more of a leap.

There are so many triggers everywhere, I yearn to leave this city to go back to the place I call home. Hoping that some time away will settled my frantic feelings.

But I dread the upcoming encounters this weekend, dread being at my home.

And worrying about you isn’t something I want to add to everything else that’s happening.

So what do I do?  I want to let go, but I can’t seem to.

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